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It is as potent as Testosterone Enanthate. As I say recently, this has been pleasantly received on Flickr but I still have my detractors who have no hesitation in writing to me directly and condemning me for my narratives and rubbish photos their words. I am not sure why I induced such hostility in some but I am getting used to it now. I see though my photo posts in have had a positive response judging by the comments others have kindly posted.

This heartens me and strengthens my resolve to carry on and to try and not let the hostile e-mails diminish me. When I posted my last picture it was from my early days of cross-dressing. It was taken in March and I was still learning how to dress up as a woman. I suppressed my cross-dressing for over twenty years and finally began to dress in mid November Emotionally I was all over the place when I dressed up as a woman in that period and what I notice looking through these early attempts at trying to look like a female is the way I dress and pose.

I appear to be trying to be sexy and alluring. Something was obviously motivating me to do this back then. It was almost like I was in love with my own female image! I was certainly and undeniably excited by the experience. I did experience that crashing negativity that occurs rapidly after masturbating while cross-dressed which manifests itself as shame and self disgust and an urgency to just take off the clothes and wash off the make-up.

That used to happen every time I became Helene, in my first year of practicing transvestism I had a different female name, I was know as Cathy Mann. I was a confused individual back then riding a wave of excitement, erotica and terror followed always by negative feelings. Yet, underpinning all of that was real joy, euphoria and pure elation. The two conflicting emotions used to cause me great exhaustion and confusion.

In my case I can still on occasion experience it today and if so then I really enjoy the moment and fortunately no longer suffer from the negative crash that used to occur. All of this talk about sexual arousal leads me onto to today's picture.

This was a very early effort to dress as a woman taken in February , just three months into my cross-dressing explorations at the age of I was rather shocked at myself when I saw this picture recently as I wonder what was I thinking when I dressed and posed for it?

Looking at it today I see an overt attempt at being sexy. I had tousled my wig to try and create a feminine slightly vulnerable, sexy yet alluring look, my eyes tell me I was completely into doing this, I wanted men to desire me as a female and I chose that classic male fantasy of seeing a girl just wearing a white shirt and showing off her legs whilst wearing heavy mascara and red lipstick.

This whole image can only have been motivated by sex, I can see no other explanation. What I can clearly recall after seeing the picture was I was very much into doing it on that evening, I adored being this woman and if a man desired me I would have been incredibly thrilled and excited by that.

Here is the thing though, that thrill is pure ego, I love the idea of being a man that can be a sexy woman. I say that yet I have no attraction or desire for sex with a man! Despite my fears of ridicule and highlighting what a pathetic individual I am having such dreams I am posting this picture because I think many of us go through this stage with our cross-dressing. Unfortunately some find the final experience so negative after the the emotional high they then feel they must suppress their cross-dressing.

My intention is to explain one is not alone with such experiences, they occur more often amongst transvestites than one may imagine. I think it is incredible to attempt such a look even if, like me, the results are not convincing. The desire needs to be set free. It is an intensely private experience and if done with consideration for others harms nobody and one will feel truly liberated.

If you are a transvestite and have an urge to pose as a sexy woman then you will need to do it. Suppressing it will not help, it is best to give it a go. In my case I was motivated by sexual excitement and loved the fact that as a man I was going against my gender. We all have different motivations. I am admitting to the sexual arousal not denying it because I used to experience it frequently when I cross-dressed.

Obviously being aroused is not good for wearing a dress! At some point one needs to move on from this stage and in time this happens. Nearly fifteen years on from my first day as an adult male transvestite in a dress my arousal is far less frequent but it does happen on occasion. If you do get aroused then enjoy the moment and work through the negative crash if it occurs as it will pass if you are patient and just wait instead of giving in to it.

Understanding this leads onto a better and more rewarding long term cross-dressing experience. I would also advocate patience if you have an urge to purge all your female clothing, lingerie, wigs, make-up and shoes.

Do not throw it all away! If you feel you want to then try to exercise some will power and just seal it up in boxes and put in storage some where. You will regret throwing it away not to mention the expense of having to purchase it all over again. You will purchase again because the desire is never going to leave you, it is with us for life. It is all about managing things and being aware and ensuring others are not affected by our actions.

I wanted men to see me as a sexy desirable woman and I admit I was totally…totally…into posing in this way back in on that February evening in I may be pathetic and delusional but wow…was I having a lot of fun and excitement! I am continuing my browse through my photo archives and I have noticed a theme that regularly emerges at some stage in my cross-dressing sessions.

Part of me is thrilled by that and part of me is embarrassed and part of me questions the motivation behind it. If my narratives irritate then I suggest stop reading now as I have another scenario I am musing over and intrigued by. In this photo I am clearly trying to be sexy and alluring and attractive to men.

I am an heterosexual male so why am I doing this? Since my early cross-dressing days, I started to cross-dress at the age of 41 nearly fifteen years ago, I have seen a very definite theme in that I have dressed in certain clothing and posed in a way that can only be described as sexual.

In my early days there was a period when I was dressing in a way that looking back now resembles ones expectations of how a prostitute may appear. I also recall I was highly aroused by my cross-dressing back then and had some very intense pleasurable moments.

I see no point in denying any of this as the reality is I did it, it happened. I have noticed on browsing through transvestite pictures that I am far from alone in having at some point dressed in the provocative sexual style of a prostitute. I fact I cannot help but note that such pictures are very popular receiving high viewing numbers on transvestite photo pages.

It seems a lot of cross-dressers are captivated by others cross-dressing in such a way. I can acknowledge now I did want men to be attracted to me and excited by my female appearance. I loved the idea I may be able to do this. This brings me back to one of my recurring themes in my narratives regarding sexuality. On the face of it dressing up like a prostitute and posing in a picture and hopefully stirring excitement in men is surely the act of an homosexual man?

I say no, it is I believe the act of an heterosexual man. My view is that what lies behind transvestites going for this look and provocative posing is our own male sexual fantasies. Most transvestites deny any kind of sexual arousal is involved in their cross-dressing.

This can cause dismay and guilt and self loathing after it has occurred, I definitely experienced such feelings. However, as one evolves with their transvestism and grows older it is easier to be more accepting of oneself and start to enjoy the experience with the sexual aspect and some of the earlier style choices diminishing.

I do feel that our male fantasies about the ideal woman affects our approach to how we cross-dress. We may be men dressing up as women but for the majority of us we are most definitely heterosexual men; as is fairly accepted now most transvestites are not homosexual. That is not a definitive statement as there can be other factors behind ones desire to dress and look female. In my case I am an heterosexual male but I do have a definite transsexual aspect to me but not strong enough to dominate.

I will admit I enjoy the dressing up and the illusion and the knowledge I am really a man. The transsexual side I feel puts in me in the ball park so to speak of why I desire to spend time as a woman now and again.

I think cross-dressing has a lot of the male fantasy about women involved in it. We often wear outfits and make style choices real women would not choose themselves, We frequently dress to suit our inner fantasies rather than real world female appearances.

Interestingly they found them anything but convincing. The pictures they preferred were ones that indeed looked more realistic and real world but it was noted were not being viewed much. It seems that utterly convincing, passing one hundred percent in the outside world as a woman in a totally realistic way is not what most of us aspire to even if we think we do.

Only a minority pursue this and do well. The majority go in for overtly feminine, more towards glamorous looks and often with a high degree of sexual fantasy such as mini skirts, very high heels, heavy make-up, long hair styles, long painted nails, posing in lingerie, adopting provocative expressions and poses.

I see this all the time and I have even done this myself quite a lot over the years. I rather think it is, I rather do. I fully expect this post to be unpopular and draw a high degree of negative responses but I like to talk openly about my transvestism when I can so please bear in mind this is my own view I do not expect agreement.

I do feel though we can be less than honest with ourselves about why we engage in cross-dressing and I think the whole taboo around the sexual aspects, which many deny vehemently, does exist for a lot of cross-dressers and it would be a lot easier for many to accept if they admitted this and enjoyed it instead of the angst that can be felt.

It may be a stage that passes or always be something one goes in for. Have fun, have a lot of fun! You can Donate ; Tip me ; or Transfer you cash to me Just use this Link :. In the Heliopolitan creation myth, Atum was considered to be the first god, having created himself, sitting on a mound benben or identified with the mound itself , from the primordial waters Nu. Early myths state that Atum created the god Shu and goddess Tefnut by spitting them out of his mouth. Atum did so through masturbation, with the hand he used in this act representing the female principle inherent within him.

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